Chapter One
“May the devil gnaw your bones,” Raban said under his breath. “And dredge out the marrow with his tongue.” The strange knight rode on, unaware of the disgust that he provoked.
Raban watched the haughty figure high upon its lofty warhorse. He did not know the man and yet he loathed him and all those like him. The armor and great helm glinted in the sun, giving a pompous warlike appearance. The shield was emblazoned with a passant bear, sable of color, with a dark green cross splayed on the polished steel. Two Squires rode behind, groomed perfectly as another piece of the man’s affectation.
Raban’s old workhorse strained at the harness, and Raban put all his strength into the plough. The earth crumbled free and they moved again. Raban cast a smoldering glance at the horsed figures. There was no respect in the look, as no doubt the knight assumed, but pure contempt. The three horses bore their riders out of sight and Raban fought the earth alone.
Another figure approached, on foot and whistling.
“What kept you, Orry?” called Raban, stopping his horse and smiling. “A pretty maid catch your eye and draw you off your course?”
7 comments:
I enjoyed it! It drew me in and made me wanting to read more. I think the descriptions were well thought out, and it gave me a good idea of the time period. Looking forward to the final product!
Look Fhgwhgads, I'm sorry to say I don't like it. Mainly because it's a long freaking opening. I mean in the time it took me to read it I could have done all kinds of stuff. Like paint a picture of a guy, with a big knife...whoa, in fact I'm gonna get started on that right away
p.s. Mason love your music on here. He keeps dancing around and laughing at himself.
I ALMOST like it...a couple of things I would polish, which I will talk to you about when I'm not at work....I do like both of the "speech" pieces.
The first paragraph is confusing. I didnt know if Raban was the strange knight riding on or if it was someone else. Need to establish that Raban is NOT the knight somehow.
Maybe put Raban on his old moldy horse in the first para and use it to juxtapose against the knight's hores. Use their differences as the basis for his unwarranted hatred of the knight.
"Haughty" and "lofty" are trite descriptions. Are there any warhorses that arent "lofty"? How do we know he is haughty if he hasnt done anything?
Raban's attitude is effecting what he sees. Somehow make it come from his perspective. -- Uncle David
I see what he means about the first paragraph not making it clear that Raban is not the knight. Also, it needs to be clear whether Raban thinks the knight is haughty and lofty or whether the narrator is calling him that. I think that is what Uncle David means by making it come from Raban's perspective, because right now it is merely the narrator saying it. The same applies to the word "strange" in the first paragraph I think.
I do think it gave a good introduction to the time period and to Raban's position in society. I agree with Courtney that the dialogue is good.
p.s. I left the comment above. Not that you would actually think that was Matt, but I meant to sign it. I have something to add anyway. I really like the third paragraph, and the whole rest of the passage actually. In my opinion, your only major problems are in the first two paragraphs. Of course that is no surprise. If openings are hard the openings of openings are the hardest. Carrie
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