Coiler Perception

The other day I found that the Coiler has an interesting feature that I didn't know about before. I'm not sure I like it but it might have its uses. I was fiddling with it absently when all of a sudden this thing popped out, like a little tablet with writing on it. It was in four languages, and I mean the first quarter was in one tongue, the next in another, and so on. Not the same thing four times like an instruction manual. I guess this was to make sure only a great learned man could decipher it, but what they got was me. The languages were Ptolemaic era Egyptian, classical Greek, Tamil, and Archaic Mayan. Needless to say it took me a few days to translate.
I'm not going to tell you how, mainly because I don't want you to know, but it told me another way that the Coiler messes with the time line. You may remember how Old Man Death Bed once explained how your perception of time changes but time itself does not. The Coiler can manipulate the its carrier perceives time.
Well, I thought this was going to be pretty awesome. You know, Matrix or Spiderman reflexes. Sorry, nope. I stepped out onto the sidewalk and slowed time down. I looked around at everything going slow just like you'd. I walked forward and I noticed I moved as if in slow motion too, Only logical, right? But something surprised me. My neural transmitters were slow too, which means I couldn't think any faster, couldn't act any faster, none of my senses even worked any faster. The only thing I could was think sooner, if you know what I mean. And then, just barely.
Suddenly I heard the sound of a gun being cocked. I turned around for what seemed about five minutes and there stood that same thug who tried to steal my Coiler and got minorly de-extremitied.
"Hhhhhaaaaannnnnddddd iiiiittttt ooooovvvvveeeeerrrrr,"
It was a strange sensation to hear him talk slowly yet understand him perfectly because my auditory receptacles were in time with him.
"Nnnnnooooottttt ooooonnnnn yyyyyooooouuuuurrrrr llllliiiiifffffe, yyyyyouououou fffffiiiiilllllththththlllllyyyy............"
He pulled the trigger. I thought he might and was already dodging, which is the only reason I lived. I saw the bullet coming, but faintly as my optical nerve still passed its information in the same time. I needed to move my head another fraction before the bullet hit and I begged it to. The bullet passed harmlessly, trimming a few hairs on the way by. Then a bullet passed by heading back toward him. It hit and he crumpled as I changed back to regular time perception.
"I've seen poor shots in my time," I told his body. "But sweet mother, that one is king."
I turned and there stood a me holding a recently fired gun. I rolled my eyes, "You know this is getting old. I can't so much as order the wrong sandwich without one of you morons showing up and straitening everything out for me."
"If you didn't need so much straitening we wouldn't have to. Now don't forget to come back and shoot him."
"Yeah, yeah."
"And look, could I borrow a few bucks, I'm a bit short."
"Are you serious," I cried. "Thats good, I hadn't thought of that yet. Here you go."
"Thanks, I'll see you later."
"Oh that's alright, anytime. Actually no, I take that back. Don't ever ask again."
"Don't worry," and he vanished.
I stepped back inside and looked at the Coiler. I couldn't see the point of the new thing I discovered, other than novelty. Oh well, I thought, it must have been the ancient mega geniuses doing their thing, incomprehensible to anyone normal. Such is life.